You And The Things That You Don't Know

You don’t know.

You don’t know that during our orientation, out of 40 people in the room, you caught my eye. My friends knew me as someone who doesn’t have any interest in romantic love so when I say you caught my eye, that’s all. That’s what I thought, at least. You don’t know that on our first day, to be honest, I didn’t notice you, not unless one of our teammates mentioned that you’re quite cute. I agree. You don’t know that I started noticing something about you every day. Your straight, shiny hair makes me want to comb it. Your slanted eyes that make me want to stare at it, your cute smile with your silver retainers, your tiny rosy lips.

You don’t know.

You don’t know how excited I am when I sit behind you in our office. The little conversation we’re having every time you want to rant about your last call, about how stupid your customer is. You don’t know how excited I am every time we’re having a conversation. You’re a man of few words, a mysterious one. You are choosing your words carefully. 

You don’t know

You don’t know how astonished I was when I knew that you would join our team building despite you being quiet about it the whole time.  I think it’s my chance to talk to you deeper, more than your angry customers, more than the broken coffee machine in the pantry. To know about your story, about you.

You don’t know

You don’t know how I still remember every small detail of our moments together on the night of our team building. The disappointment from the 4-foot distance between us when we sleep together to rest for a while after 2 hours of travel. Your cuteness when you requested for me to make you a sandwich since that’s one of your favorite snacks. How could I reject that face? I think I just made the most careful sandwich I made in my entire life. The fineness of the sand we’re sitting on while sipping the hot coffee we prepared together, hearing the waves of the ocean and story about the girl you liked, the reason you left your last job, your dreams, looking at the horizon waiting for the sun to fully rise.

You don’t know

You don’t know how tired I am from staying all night but was all gone when I noticed that you were going to sit beside me on our way home. This will be the closest we’ve ever been physically. Our arms rubbing together and our legs touching each other. Maybe I made the mistake of repeating my prayer twice since this is more than I prayed for. The road was not that smooth for all of us to sleep deeply. I saw that you’re having a hard time with your position so wherever my courage came from, I offered my shoulder for you, and I just had one of the best trips of my life. We are so fucking close that I can smell your soft and shiny hair, I can look closely at your red thin lips, and I can feel the warmth of your body leaning on me. Amidst the coldness inside the van and comfortability of my seat, my heart started pounding and I started to catch my breath. I already forgot this feeling. It was so long ago that I felt the same way and I can’t recognize it anymore. You don’t know how I wish for the road not to end but we already hit our drop-off point and you woke up with your messy hair and smiled at me. Oh gosh. I’ve never seen a fine as your just-woke-up face but at least now you know

 You know.

At least now you know that there’s always someone behind you who will listen to your bad calls. Someone who is excited for your story even if it's once in a blue moon. Someone willing to make you a sandwich even if you’re not requesting. You know that there’s always a shoulder for you to lean on every time you feel sleepy and tired. And the last thing maybe, I want you to know that despite all the things that you don’t know I'm more than happy with the things that you only know.